Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What is happening in my head?

Yo it has been a really long time since I've been here. I just had to come back because I am in one of those moments that I want to understand, and so I have to first be able to remember so that I can revisit it later.

Soooo many emotions all happening at once. So many feelings and questions. I have come to find that meeting and learning about people is my favorite thing to do. I love it when I know someones story because then I can truly have a conversation with them. I want to meet and talk to everyone. However at the same time I am feeling more introverted than ever. I don't to be around anyone. I want to live life by myself. Half of me thinks that I don't need anybody, and the other half of me knows that I don't deserve anybody. I got sick the other day and I remember trying to isolate myself from the world. I didn't want to be taken care of, I don't deserve that. As much as I want to be around people and interact, influence, and be influenced, I'd rather just exist by myself, on an island. That way there is no pity, no sympathy, no love, no hate, just existence. I don't know what the hell I want really and that's what is really making this such a weird sensation.

The there's this whole issue I'm having with my major. I'm in denial about the whole thing but honestly I hate my major. I love the people I've met through it, I love the programs I'm a part of, and I love the money I'll make, but seriously, I don't get excited about engineering at all anymore. I feel like everyone around me knows where my heart is. Sociology is what makes me tick. Understanding humans and the way we interact, the way we think, and the way we live, that's what gets me excited. I could go on for days in a room full of RRPers just bouncing ideas and trying to figure out how it all plays a part. Alas, the world is not as interested in all of this as I am, and its lack of interest shows in the pay grade. To put it bluntly, I am probably one of those people who is giving up on his dreams. What makes it worse is that everyday for the past month or so, I have been conscious of that fact. I am doing what I do just for the money, because surely that will make me happy. I tell myself that I will pursue my passion later on in life but who really knows what's going to happen in five or ten years? I sure don't.

Kind of going back to my earlier topic about getting to meet people. I kind of feel as if my life is revolving around one person, and I am really not sure how that happened. It's not really a bad thing but a lot of things happened in a short amount of time, and now looking back things should have probably moved slower. It's all good because we're the best of friends, but a lot of things are different when you are a couple. I don't know I am so careful because I know just how fragile relationships can be and I would never want to do anything to hurt her. I don't know but whoever said relationships are work was spot on.

Now I'm thinking about my church. my GOD is my rock, that's all that needs to be said. My church is my home. My grandfather built it with his own blood and sweat. I am intensely loyal to my church. I was saved there, I grew up there, and I worship there. However now things are changing. My grandfather died a few years ago. Actually it's been quite awhile now I guess. it always feels like it was just last year. We've had a few interim pastors but the one we have now has been there for a couple of years now. I never was a big fan of his, but he tried to do his best. Now though, it seems as if everything is falling apart. All kinds of recklessness is going down and it makes me sick to my stomach. I really just don't even know what to do with that issue right now. It's being handled in Philly and I'm all the way up in State College so needless to say I'm not a very big part of the undertakings. Sucks.

Now I'm just thinking about home and family and school. Again going back to soc, I've never before thought about what a sociological feat college is. You go away for 9 months of the year where you have friends, a home, and a job, but then you leave for 3 months and essentially live another life entirely. It's really odd to me how you go build relationships, then just straight up leave and probably never talk over the summer, then just show up in August and pick it up, and cut off everything you did over the summer. At least that's how it works with me. I don't know how I feel about that. What I do know is that it's definitely interesting.

Ugh, so I'm just in an overall weird mood. Not good, bad or anything I can put my finger on, just really strange. I'm feeling a lot. And not understanding any of it.


I'm tired.