Sunday, December 26, 2010


Right now I’m having this overwhelming sense of selfishness. Like what I do for anyone else? Even this Christmas I look at all my parents do for me and I feel like I get too much. I can’t really think of the last time I didn’t get something I wanted. Not because I beg and plead but really because my parents are just that good to me. I feel really stupid for even being all moapy and weird because I really am very happy. The semester went fairly well, I’m home with my family, and I got way more than I even asked for but still I feel terrible. I feel terrible for feeling so happy.

The thing is it’s not like a passing feeling. I’m sitting here feeling it and it’s kind of taking me over. Like I even feel it towards my brother. I want to make him happier because I feel like I really don’t deserve the happiness I have and I am painfully aware of it. I feel like everyone around me really needs the happiness that I have. What have I done to deserve this? Nothing at all.

The thing is usually when I feel bad or angry or upset it usually motivates me to act. Except right now I feel helpless. I feel horrible in my skin. Lik e I don't want to exist because I feel like there's nothing I can do right now. I feel trapped in this place. I'm feeling the weight of my privilege and there is no way to get rid of it. If I throw away everything I know then I'm just a privileged person that threw everything away to make himself feel better, I'm still selfish. I don't want to exist. I want to not be here, but at the same time I don't want to forfeit my privilege and let it go to waste.

Honestly I want some way to not be selfish. I don't know what I want. I wish I could exist without a body. I feel that if I had no body, no earthly desires than I could feel better about myself.

I love myself and I love my life. This is not a suicide note I realize it kind of sounds that way. I just am really analyzing this feeling I have.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Time to Ponder

Wow it has certainly been awhile, I wonder if I even still remember how to do this. Writing everything that's in my head, it's harder than it sounds. So many times I want to go back and delete and edit and it takes a lot of will power to let it stay raw.

I just had to write down these thoughts though. I'm in a really inward-looking, deep-thought state of mind. I was up talking to my babe and watching the lunar eclipse on my computer then something in me really wanted to go outside and really get a look at for myself, but it was cold and I was tired. Then one of my friends convinced me to get up and I am so glad I did. It was an absolutely gorgeous thing to see. It also made me feel good, like I was truly living my life at that moment. Whenever some once in a
lifetime event happens, I feel really arrogant when I don't go to see it. Who am I that I was so busy doing something so important that I miss one of God's masterpieces? Sitting on my steps looking up at the moon and the stars really made me feel small. All that I know and understand is limited to this one planet. I know nothing of what lies out there in that sky.

So my friend and I got to talking, just bouncing theories back and forth about life on other planets and wormhole theory, nerdy things like that and it just really set my mind on fire. So many questions like wow what if there are more than three dimensions? Imagine taking the derivative of time with respect to some other quantity? What would that be and what would it look like? Just the intellectual banter that was going back and forth between us was amazing. Neither of us had any answers at all, and it was then that I realized. This is why I chose the major I chose. Lately I have been in a place where I really hated engineering and was really doing it just for the money, but now I remember why I love it. I love it because I love not knowing, and then questioning and questioning.

The one area where I diverge from the typical engineer, and this is why I butt heads with the curriculum, is because I think that our society as a whole places too much pressure on the answer and not enough emphasis on the thought or the process of learning and understanding. See though for me I think it is a little bigger than that even. I think that sometimes it is okay to not have the answer. I mean it seems dumb to have a question and not have or want the answer but I don't know. Sometimes I don't want to have to know why. Sometimes I just want to come up with a great question and then just sit in awe of GOD's grandeur. How many dimensions are there? Who knows, but things like black holes and wormholes are some of the things that I just think of and immediately think of the vastness of GOD.

No real point to this post, just really intense thoughts I had to express.