Right now I’m having this overwhelming sense of selfishness. Like what I do for anyone else? Even this Christmas I look at all my parents do for me and I feel like I get too much. I can’t really think of the last time I didn’t get something I wanted. Not because I beg and plead but really because my parents are just that good to me. I feel really stupid for even being all moapy and weird because I really am very happy. The semester went fairly well, I’m home with my family, and I got way more than I even asked for but still I feel terrible. I feel terrible for feeling so happy.
The thing is it’s not like a passing feeling. I’m sitting here feeling it and it’s kind of taking me over. Like I even feel it towards my brother. I want to make him happier because I feel like I really don’t deserve the happiness I have and I am painfully aware of it. I feel like everyone around me really needs the happiness that I have. What have I done to deserve this? Nothing at all.
The thing is usually when I feel bad or angry or upset it usually motivates me to act. Except right now I feel helpless. I feel horrible in my skin. Lik e I don't want to exist because I feel like there's nothing I can do right now. I feel trapped in this place. I'm feeling the weight of my privilege and there is no way to get rid of it. If I throw away everything I know then I'm just a privileged person that threw everything away to make himself feel better, I'm still selfish. I don't want to exist. I want to not be here, but at the same time I don't want to forfeit my privilege and let it go to waste.
Honestly I want some way to not be selfish. I don't know what I want. I wish I could exist without a body. I feel that if I had no body, no earthly desires than I could feel better about myself.
I love myself and I love my life. This is not a suicide note I realize it kind of sounds that way. I just am really analyzing this feeling I have.