Today I rediscovered this piece of myself by accident and took some time to read some of my old posts. It's amazing how much you can glean from these snapshots into my consciousness. As someone who really struggles with emotion and self-awareness it was really fortifying to be able to check in with my early-twenties self. It seems like I only ever came to this place when I needed to dig myself out of some overwhelming sense of inadequacy or despair. I wasn't very good at expressing many emotions outside of anger and sadness although somehow there was always a piece of me that believed in myself and the awesome God I serve.
I have to say though reading through those posts, I'm pretty proud of the kid that wrote those. He was someone who really didn't feel he deserved to be loved. He desperately wanted to make a difference but I don't know if he actually believed he was capable. He tried to do right by all those he knew but failed on more than one occasion. That kid really grew up though, and while I'm not exactly all that I'd hope to be, I'm a long ways from him. I am truly sorry for anyone that I hurt with my words (or lack thereof), or with my distance. If you're one of those people and you're out there I'd love to reintroduce myself
I'm not sure what the point of this whole thing is and I'm not sure that I need to know. I kind of always seem to just drop in and say whatever my soul wants to say. It really feels good to come here feeling good. I don't know if that's ever happened before. I'm married to the love of my life, I'm working on actually making the impact that I am capable of, and I love myself and my God. That really really feels nice.
Also I really have to say that I love you too. I never actually planned on anyone reading this blog at all. It's kind of one of those things where you don't want anyone to read it but you secretly hope someone will read it but you don't actually think anyone will read it. If you're here and you read along and felt anything know that I feel you and truly appreciate your presence in my life no matter how big or small it may be.
Anywho, didn't really expect that to go on so long. I should probably get back to this Justice League Unlimited marathon. As always I'll say my obligatory "hopefully I'll start to write here more often".