Sunday, December 26, 2010


Right now I’m having this overwhelming sense of selfishness. Like what I do for anyone else? Even this Christmas I look at all my parents do for me and I feel like I get too much. I can’t really think of the last time I didn’t get something I wanted. Not because I beg and plead but really because my parents are just that good to me. I feel really stupid for even being all moapy and weird because I really am very happy. The semester went fairly well, I’m home with my family, and I got way more than I even asked for but still I feel terrible. I feel terrible for feeling so happy.

The thing is it’s not like a passing feeling. I’m sitting here feeling it and it’s kind of taking me over. Like I even feel it towards my brother. I want to make him happier because I feel like I really don’t deserve the happiness I have and I am painfully aware of it. I feel like everyone around me really needs the happiness that I have. What have I done to deserve this? Nothing at all.

The thing is usually when I feel bad or angry or upset it usually motivates me to act. Except right now I feel helpless. I feel horrible in my skin. Lik e I don't want to exist because I feel like there's nothing I can do right now. I feel trapped in this place. I'm feeling the weight of my privilege and there is no way to get rid of it. If I throw away everything I know then I'm just a privileged person that threw everything away to make himself feel better, I'm still selfish. I don't want to exist. I want to not be here, but at the same time I don't want to forfeit my privilege and let it go to waste.

Honestly I want some way to not be selfish. I don't know what I want. I wish I could exist without a body. I feel that if I had no body, no earthly desires than I could feel better about myself.

I love myself and I love my life. This is not a suicide note I realize it kind of sounds that way. I just am really analyzing this feeling I have.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Time to Ponder

Wow it has certainly been awhile, I wonder if I even still remember how to do this. Writing everything that's in my head, it's harder than it sounds. So many times I want to go back and delete and edit and it takes a lot of will power to let it stay raw.

I just had to write down these thoughts though. I'm in a really inward-looking, deep-thought state of mind. I was up talking to my babe and watching the lunar eclipse on my computer then something in me really wanted to go outside and really get a look at for myself, but it was cold and I was tired. Then one of my friends convinced me to get up and I am so glad I did. It was an absolutely gorgeous thing to see. It also made me feel good, like I was truly living my life at that moment. Whenever some once in a
lifetime event happens, I feel really arrogant when I don't go to see it. Who am I that I was so busy doing something so important that I miss one of God's masterpieces? Sitting on my steps looking up at the moon and the stars really made me feel small. All that I know and understand is limited to this one planet. I know nothing of what lies out there in that sky.

So my friend and I got to talking, just bouncing theories back and forth about life on other planets and wormhole theory, nerdy things like that and it just really set my mind on fire. So many questions like wow what if there are more than three dimensions? Imagine taking the derivative of time with respect to some other quantity? What would that be and what would it look like? Just the intellectual banter that was going back and forth between us was amazing. Neither of us had any answers at all, and it was then that I realized. This is why I chose the major I chose. Lately I have been in a place where I really hated engineering and was really doing it just for the money, but now I remember why I love it. I love it because I love not knowing, and then questioning and questioning.

The one area where I diverge from the typical engineer, and this is why I butt heads with the curriculum, is because I think that our society as a whole places too much pressure on the answer and not enough emphasis on the thought or the process of learning and understanding. See though for me I think it is a little bigger than that even. I think that sometimes it is okay to not have the answer. I mean it seems dumb to have a question and not have or want the answer but I don't know. Sometimes I don't want to have to know why. Sometimes I just want to come up with a great question and then just sit in awe of GOD's grandeur. How many dimensions are there? Who knows, but things like black holes and wormholes are some of the things that I just think of and immediately think of the vastness of GOD.

No real point to this post, just really intense thoughts I had to express.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Battle of the Bods

Ok so this is something that has been irking me for a long time now. There is this show called Battle of the Bods. I don't think it comes on anymore but its still played on hulu. I used to watch it all the time because frankly it's got scantily clad women, and what guy doesn't like that but seriously though I saw it recently and it infuriated me.

Let me just give you some background(click to see an episode). So basically it's a show where five women are judged by three men from "one being hot to five being not". So the women come out and try to put themselves in the same order that the men put them. So the first round is their faces, so they all fight over positions and then finally settle in to their respective numbers. Then the host tells them how many they got right and they win five hundred dollars for each girl in the right position. So that's the gist. In the second round the women get to choose what body part will be rated and the third round is a rating of the entire girl as a whole.

Ok so I have so many issues with this show. Part of me thinks I am taking it all too seriously but I think it is little things like this that keep the public psyche as fucked up as it is. So all of the girls come out and look at each other and basically they all have to fight and argue for who belongs where. "My eyes are bluer," "well my hair is cuter," it's always the same. So then each girl takes a position on one of the numbers and then the host comes and tells them how many they got wrong and then before they go to the next round she tells them to line up in their rightful place. PAUSE. Did anyone else just catch that? So not only are the women made to parade around for the men in their lingerie and fight over who looks best, after they make their decision the host comes and corrects them saying no no no ladies you only got one right, now line up the way you should, or rather line up the way men tell you to. So who gives a damn how you think you look, you belong here, not there. It's absolutely ridiculous I can hardly type, I'm so angry. Then to add to the general theme, the women are paid for each right answer. They are essentially being trained, the same way you train a dog, with reward and punishment. If you line up the way you should we'll pay you, if not, you get nothing but embarrassment.

It goes deeper for me though. I not only look at the male/female aspect but also the racial undertones. In every group of five girls there is always at least one minority, nine times out of ten a black girl. I am black male, and I am attracted to black females. I love them, I think they are the most gorgeous creatures on Earth. So whenever I watch in my mind I am almost always putting her first. However in the show the black girl is almost always in the bottom. When the other girls are debating and arguing, the black girl's rating is never up for discussion because she just knows where she belongs. I never really noticed that before. They argue over who's legs are longer, or who's eyes are bluer, or who's hair is straighter, but the black girl is not included. She is five. Sometimes a really strong women will fight in the first round thinking hey I have a pretty face and she is more often than not out voted and exiled to the bottom spot, then when the guy's rating confirms that of the other girls, she fights no more and just assumes her position at the bottom in each successive round. I think it's absolutely crazy really.

So once I started noticing all these thing I started watching it more. Except now I was almost studying. What was really playing out on this show? Then I started thinking who's opinions are these? Surely the three men don't represent all men. Funny I thought that because each episode, has a different group of men judge. So one episode maybe be judges that are musicians, or judges that are construction workers. So in watching I realized that no matter what the group of judges, their perception of beauty never reflected my own. Even when the groups included black men the black women were still rated last. I couldn't understand it. Is there no demographic that appreciates the beauty of a black women? Again, I find myself getting to the point where I can hardly even think. What the hell! I mean who made these rules that we are all slaves to? I say we because I know on some level this must tie into me somehow. I find myself cheering for the black women almost praying that they be ranked high because I fear for what it may do to their confidence. See but even then I'm feeding into it again, because why should her confidence depend on where three random guys rank her?

I have no idea, but this show really pisses me off and I had to write about it. It's been off the air for awhile now, it randomly popped upon hulu and that's how I rediscovered it. Strange how much you can change in a couple years.

Oh wait one more thing I just have to say. Okay so like I said there are three rounds in which the women rate themselves and then are corrected and put in the right position. Then after the third round the men do the same. So the men come out and the women attempt to guess what order the men will place themselves in. If the women guess all three correct they win an extra $2500. So most would say oh well see the women get to turn the tables and it all pans out, but I disagree. the men come out and rate themselves one through three and the women try to guess. Although what remains constant is the fact that the men still wield the power. if the women guess the wrong order they lose the $2500. So not only do he men dictate which women are attractive, they also dictate which men are attractive. You thought he was hotter than me, well you're wrong you be attracted to this guy with this body, etc. So women essentially have no say in who they are attracted to, how attractive they are, or frankly anything for that matter.

Is that not crazy!? I don't know it hit me so hard that I actually got up and turned on my computer so I could write about it because I couldn't sleep. I have truly never sexism or racism this powerful before. The thing that gets me is the fact that it is right in plain sight. It is not at all hidden, it is literally right there for all to see. Actually in one of the episodes while judging one of the men says something like "wow I feel really sexist right now". He looks at the other guys then snickers and says "eh whatever" and continues.

Yo I honestly don't even know what to say about this. I'm so pissed. SOOOO pissed. Food for thought I guess. Sometimes it's enough to be aware but knowing that doesn't make it any easier.

My children will be beautiful, and I will tell them that everyday, that's all I can say.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What is happening in my head?

Yo it has been a really long time since I've been here. I just had to come back because I am in one of those moments that I want to understand, and so I have to first be able to remember so that I can revisit it later.

Soooo many emotions all happening at once. So many feelings and questions. I have come to find that meeting and learning about people is my favorite thing to do. I love it when I know someones story because then I can truly have a conversation with them. I want to meet and talk to everyone. However at the same time I am feeling more introverted than ever. I don't to be around anyone. I want to live life by myself. Half of me thinks that I don't need anybody, and the other half of me knows that I don't deserve anybody. I got sick the other day and I remember trying to isolate myself from the world. I didn't want to be taken care of, I don't deserve that. As much as I want to be around people and interact, influence, and be influenced, I'd rather just exist by myself, on an island. That way there is no pity, no sympathy, no love, no hate, just existence. I don't know what the hell I want really and that's what is really making this such a weird sensation.

The there's this whole issue I'm having with my major. I'm in denial about the whole thing but honestly I hate my major. I love the people I've met through it, I love the programs I'm a part of, and I love the money I'll make, but seriously, I don't get excited about engineering at all anymore. I feel like everyone around me knows where my heart is. Sociology is what makes me tick. Understanding humans and the way we interact, the way we think, and the way we live, that's what gets me excited. I could go on for days in a room full of RRPers just bouncing ideas and trying to figure out how it all plays a part. Alas, the world is not as interested in all of this as I am, and its lack of interest shows in the pay grade. To put it bluntly, I am probably one of those people who is giving up on his dreams. What makes it worse is that everyday for the past month or so, I have been conscious of that fact. I am doing what I do just for the money, because surely that will make me happy. I tell myself that I will pursue my passion later on in life but who really knows what's going to happen in five or ten years? I sure don't.

Kind of going back to my earlier topic about getting to meet people. I kind of feel as if my life is revolving around one person, and I am really not sure how that happened. It's not really a bad thing but a lot of things happened in a short amount of time, and now looking back things should have probably moved slower. It's all good because we're the best of friends, but a lot of things are different when you are a couple. I don't know I am so careful because I know just how fragile relationships can be and I would never want to do anything to hurt her. I don't know but whoever said relationships are work was spot on.

Now I'm thinking about my church. my GOD is my rock, that's all that needs to be said. My church is my home. My grandfather built it with his own blood and sweat. I am intensely loyal to my church. I was saved there, I grew up there, and I worship there. However now things are changing. My grandfather died a few years ago. Actually it's been quite awhile now I guess. it always feels like it was just last year. We've had a few interim pastors but the one we have now has been there for a couple of years now. I never was a big fan of his, but he tried to do his best. Now though, it seems as if everything is falling apart. All kinds of recklessness is going down and it makes me sick to my stomach. I really just don't even know what to do with that issue right now. It's being handled in Philly and I'm all the way up in State College so needless to say I'm not a very big part of the undertakings. Sucks.

Now I'm just thinking about home and family and school. Again going back to soc, I've never before thought about what a sociological feat college is. You go away for 9 months of the year where you have friends, a home, and a job, but then you leave for 3 months and essentially live another life entirely. It's really odd to me how you go build relationships, then just straight up leave and probably never talk over the summer, then just show up in August and pick it up, and cut off everything you did over the summer. At least that's how it works with me. I don't know how I feel about that. What I do know is that it's definitely interesting.

Ugh, so I'm just in an overall weird mood. Not good, bad or anything I can put my finger on, just really strange. I'm feeling a lot. And not understanding any of it.


I'm tired.

Monday, February 15, 2010

So last Friday I had an experience that i have never had before and may not ever have again. it really rocked my conscience and that's why I feel it is necessary to share.

So I have really gotten into sociology lately. I am a TA for a Race Relations class which means I get to facilitate race discussions twice a week. I also get to participate in a race discussion myself once a week with other TA's. I really really enjoy the time spent being honest and sincerely learning about the world and its inhabitants. Last week I was given the opportunity to join another discussion group and I jumped at the chance. This discussion was called Dialogues Between the Middle East and the West. I honestly just want to be included in as many discussions as possible, I just really love learning and interacting with all kinds of people.

The first dialogue was this past Friday. We all came in and introduced ourselves and then started the dialogue. It was going very well. Everyone was very interested in what was being said, questions were being posed, it was great. Then somewhere along the way I noticed something was different. This discussion was different. The mechanics of the discussion just were not the same and I could not figure out what it was, until it hit me.

Holy Crap!

I was the majority! In the scope of that discussion I was an "American" and thus I represented the majority. It was really strange because I was an American for the first time I can remember. I'm always a black person, in America. I wrote this blog in two parts and writing it now two weeks removed it is not coming across as serious as I wanted it to, but whatever it was crazy. To fully understand it you have to know whats it's like to never be the majority, and then suddenly have it thrust onto you unknowingly. Weird. I was actually in the group that was trying to learn from the other side, the side that didn't know anything. The "home" team. Craziness, or at least it was to me.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

No Place to Call Home

It sure has been awhile. Back in school so naturally my time is at a premium and typically the first things to be phased out are the things I like most. Well here I am at 2AM. I don't know why I am still awake, I have an exam tomorrow. Oh well none of that matters right now. What does matter is what's on my mind right now.

I am very well aware that I struggle with my emotions. I know I repress, I know I shrug things off. However I think I'm in deeper than I thought. So I'm a TA for a Sociology class. Basically I facilitate discussion circles on race and stuff. It's freaking awesome. Best gig in the world, because if you know me you know I love learning and hearing new opinions and thoughts and experiences. Anyway so part of being a TA is there is a class that all the TAs take which basically teaches us skills to facilitate and also allows us to have our own discussions. So this past Tuesday we were talking about how there are "clubs" especially amongst minorities, that are exclusive to minorities. A white guy sincerely wanted to know why he couldn't be in the black club. Not saying he wanted to be black but rather he wanted to reach out to the black community and be a friend and not be seen as someone trying to fill his "black friend" quota or whatever.

Anyway the idea bounced around the circle, and at one point we got on the subject of Black people versus African-American people versus African people. I personally identify as Black. I'm not African, as far as I know I'm from Philly, my parents are from Philly and that's how I see myself. I guess some part of me hundreds ago is African but as far as my everyday life is concerned, I'm Black and that's it. So someone says how can you just cut off all of your history and just move forward as if you are a separate people entirely?

Honestly to me it's not so much about disowning or cutting off as it is about me not claiming something I know nothing about. I can't go around claiming Ghana, or Nigeria, etc. with no idea where I'm actually from, so for me at least it's about the here and now.

So ok that's where I stand and that's all. Then we had a check out which is basically just time to say whatever is on your mind with no responses from anyone else. So my friend gets up and says one of the reasons we as Black people make our clubs is because we have no real place to belong. it's no secret that we are not at home in America. We aren't really wanted or accepted here for whatever reason. Simultaneously we aren't wanted in Africa either because we are Americanized and not "real Africans". So where do we go? We have nothing of our own to claim. when he said it you could see the hurt in his eyes. He gave a wonderful example of a kidnapping. Imagine being kidnapped as a child. You grow up in a place that is not your home and then when you are older you want to go back home, except that you parents don't want you. So then where do you go? You have nothing you can call "home", nothing that is distinctly yours.

Now I was there when he said it, listening attentively and I nodded and understood his pain, but it really didn't get to me personally. It just didn't.

Now though, I'm really feeling it.

A lot.

I just realized I really do care. Everyone knows that America is a melting pot/mixing bowl, whatever you want to call it. No body is from here with the exception of the Natives. So everyone has something to put in front of the hyphen, whether it be Russian, Greek, French, Chinese, Indian, Jamaican, Spanish, what ever it may be. The thing is I don't have anything I can earnestly put in front of the hyphen. Wow, I really don't have a heritage. Beyond the one here in America. Or at least a heritage that wants me. That's heavy. I feel that now. I can't honestly believe I had never felt that feeling before. I have to believe that I just blocked this out. Even listening now to my own thoughts I really feel like I'm terrified of this feeling which explains why I blocked it out before.

So I mean all this crap in the world. Racism, inequality, what have you. Taking all these classes and participating in discussion groups to improve and understand race relations, all the while with no understanding from my own people. At the end of the day I can't even go "back home" because home doesn't want me anymore.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Is It OK?

Ok so I've got a question for everyone. Is it ok to be emotional?

Now I'm writing this primarily for my own good. So I mean I don't even know if I really want an answer from anybody, whatever.

Ok so basically I'm asking this because as most of you know I've got a beautiful girl that I'm with and she completely rocks my world. I mean when I'm with her everything is as it should be Everything is ok, nothing is wrong as long as I've got her with me. Sounds all corny and mushy right? See that's my thing is that wrong? She says no and my friends say that's how I should feel, but I don't know sometimes. I mean so many times you hear how guys never give their "all" and they are cold and emotionless, or at least those are the criticisms I've heard thrown my way. Like I don't know this girl has the amazing ability to make me feel. I've never ever ever been an emotional person until I really got to know her. By know means am I a bleeding heart guy now but coming from what I came from this is creepy. I find myself thinking about her all the time and wanting to call her just to tell her she's beautiful.

Then I stop and I'm like what am I doing? This is some real fruit cake type stuff going right? I'm conflicted. The more and more I think about it the more I convince myself that, hell this is how I feel, so be it.

I think I'm cool with that.


Ok so I had another crazy wild dream last night. The thing about my dreams is that I hardly ever remember the beginning or the end. So my dreams just start and then they just are over but there is no introduction or conclusion.

So it begin as I'm riding with my mom in the car to somewhere. We're in a city I've never seen before or whatever and we were talking about how people can question your religion. Like basically how the older you get and the more you learn, you will have discussions with people that will denounce your belief. I was telling her how, being republican, I've already had a number of these arguments with peers about things like that. Anyway so she parks in some strange garage and we both get out. We're walking off somewhere and I pick up a rock and chuck it a wall in front of me. I don't really knew why I threw the rock but i wanted it to break apart on impact, I used to love doing that as a kid. Anyway so my mom goes "why did you do that?!" I just shrug my shoulders.

So we walk through the parking garage and into a closed in court. Not court like with a judge, but court like a really big open garden. So we didn't know how to get out and there was just one door, I guess we couldn't go out through the garage anymore. So I go up and knock on the door. Few seconds, then a short and very old nun answers the door. She welcomes me in and then asks if my wife (you mean my mom???) is coming with me, as my mom was still standing at the bottom of the steps. I say yes and my mom comes in. She begins to escort us further into the church and then we turn a corner and I see the service going on. We did not come for service, we were only trying to get through the church to the street outside. So I turn and aim to walk out the door and when I get to the steps to leave I see people running and jumping to either get to or run away from these little communion stations. So I pay it no mind and just walk out the door but even though I have walked out of the doors I am still not on the street. I seem to be still on the church grounds because there are high walls around and other buildings with similar architecture. So as I'm walking down the stairs a voice calls me. "YOU! Did you take communion?!" I'm like whatever she's not talking to me I don't go to this church, I'm not even catholic.So then at this moment she like swoops and when I say swoop I mean she used her nun cloak and essentially flew from where she was standing atop the stairs to where I was walking about 100 feet away. She lands right in front of me and again asks if i took communion and I said no and explained my case. She grabs my arm and says there are no excuses and I guess teleports me back to one of those communion stations. Except this time the few people that were running and jumping has evolved into complete chaos. We're now talking about like thousands of people running out of this church into the court and all around the grounds trying to get away.

So I turn on my heels and book it out into the fray. After all I didn't even want to be here I was just trying to get through the church. So I mean I run out of the church building and I'm running trying to get out. Then for some reason I'm looking for my girlfriend who I can't find. Weird because I was never with my girlfriend this whole time so I don't know why I started looking for her. So at this point the dream just gets completely weird.

So a little sidebar here. I don't know how many of you watch True Life on MTV and have seen the episode about the girl that has Tourette's Syndrome. She was kind of bitchy and evil a little bit. Anyway so now she's like the person rounding up everyone. So as soon as I catch sight of my girlfriend, this girl land two inches from my face like "what you looking for? The communion stations are back this way!" So I lose sight of my girlfriend when I teleport for the second time today. I again run out of the doors and get to what I though was an exit from the church grounds except that it leads me back into the church!!! WTH! So I again run through the church and take another path but I keep ending up back where I started! I do this about 10 times. Running around the grounds and taking a different way each time, but each time ending up where I began. On one of my passes I walk right by my girlfriend who is walking calmly in the opposite direction. She is holding a microphone and whispers into it "Answer your phone." I don't even know where my phone was in all of this. So I keep running and I try yet another path to escape and I run into 3 other kids my age taking my same escape route. We decide to band together. They didn't have names but we stuck together to get away. We never really spoke or anything they were just there. Then we made on turn into a dark alley, and suddenly we had on a ball and shackles. WTH!!! Crazyness!! For some reason though I was extra husky because I just picked up the ball and carried it, it didn't slow me down at all. So we are in this alley and I find a trap door hidden in a wall. I get excited because I'm sure I have found a way out. I open the door and there's a curtain in front of it. Except it's not really a curtain but like a projector screen. So I tug it and it goes flying up and behind it is the girl. AHHHHHHHH!!!!

Dream Over.

I'm sorry that dream was crazy to me. First off all just the fact that it doesn't make any sense. Like the fact that my mom just disappears. First she was with me then she wasn't and then suddenly my girlfriend shows up. Weird except I feel like my mom might have gone into the service. She's that type, I love her. Then there's the fact that that this catholic church pretty much turned into a concentration camp half way through. And then why was that girl from True Life in there? And why did she only want me? Crazyness.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Family. They can build you up or tear you down if you let them. So for some reason I'm awake at 4AM so I figure I might as well do something constructive. Ok so it's holiday time which means seeing all the family which is always a good time...for the most part. Before I really get into this I need to explain my family dynamic, how it works, or else nothing will make sense.

Ok, so my mom and dad have been married for a long time. So long I'm not exactly sure. I'll be twenty in a few months so probably like 22 or 23 years. They have two kids my younger brother and myself. Ok so my parents are as close to polar opposites as is possible. They love each other dearly but I mean it when I say that they truly are POLAR opposites. My mother is writing her dissertation and my father has a high school diploma. My father used to run the streets of West Philly, my mom was very sheltered. Both grew up in Christian households but took very different paths. That being said each respective side of my family accurately reflects its representative in my immediate family.

For example, my mother's side of the family is the side that tends to stress education. Particularly my mother's father's side. On this side of my family forward thinking seems to be the way. Quite a few college grads on this end, not to say that college is how I measure worth but I am just using it as a quantitative tool to help compare. My aunts, uncles, and cousins on this end seem to be more straight shooters. They do things the "right" way. Just a rule of thumb, not true in every circumstance, just saying.

Now my father's side. On this side no college grads as far as the eye can see. This end of my family is still very successful but not necessarily the way you may want. They all have the means to support themselves but I feel sometimes there is animosity from this side of my family towards my brother, mother and I.

So with that being said I have a bit of a rant I am about to go on. As I said before my mother's side of the family is very supportive of me. They always ask about school and generally encourage me to do my best and stay on the straight and narrow. However my dad's side, well at times they straight up piss me off. Again I feel I must say it they love me and I love them but their mindset is so grossly different from mine that they often times grind my last nerve.

As you may or may not have already figured out, I'm a goody-two-shoes. Always have been. I've pretty much always tried to do things right based on the law, my religion, and my own morals. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I'm not out "fuckin bitches", etc. So usually when I'm around my father's side of the family they like to play games with me. I don't really know what it is but I feel like they are slightly intimidated by me. This of course is just a hunch. So now the story. I'm sitting in my own house watching TV when my uncle decides to pay us a holiday visit. Awesome, I haven't seen my cousins in a while. My uncle is my Dad's oldest brother and he has two kid's about 24 and 21 respectively. This particular is the type of person that is always bragging about one thing or another. It never really bothered me until I got old enough to catch some of his underhanded comments. So obviously his kids being older, they graduated years before I did. So he bragged about them in college and all that stuff until they were no longer in college. Neither of them graduated but that's not a big deal it's not for everyone. But now that I'm in college every time I'm around them I feel as though they are itching for me to end up back at home. I can feel it in their questions and the way they talk to me as if I'm some snooty adopted child. Another thing that really gets to me is the way they always are trying to get me to come to their side. Both of my cousins drink, even before they were 21, which again whatever I don't care it's not a big deal but it's like they feel guilty about it and they want nothing more than to hear that I go out and get drunk as if it validates them in some way. In a completely unrelated conversation my little brother said something about a crown and my uncle comes up to me and goes "Yea you know all about that crown...Crown Royal in the purple sleeve." And because he can't pass up an opportunity he goes into how State College was in his zone when he was a state trooper and he was on the liquor control dee dah dee dee. He wants me so bad to nod and say "oh yea that's my shit!" But naw son, I don't drink. Never have I couldn't even tell you what it tastes like. It really irks my soul, because see I don't judge any of them for anything that they do. I simply don't care. But I get judged because I abstain from stuff. That's ass backwards. I don't want to come off as some hoity toity angel but to me it seems ridiculous. We're all Christian and we all want the best for each other right? Isn't that what family is? Right? So then why do I catch dirty looks and snickers when I tell you I DON'T drink and why am I in the wrong because I'm staying in college?

One more time I love my family, and I don't ever judge or brag about anything any of us do. I just want to know why I get all the shotty comments and shifty eyes and I'm the one that's trying to live the way they all want to. All I want is "yo dass wassup keep doing that college thing." That's it, I'm not saying sit down and talk derivatives and integrals, just let me know that you actually want me to succeed. Rant over.

Save the World

Ignorance is bliss. I think I actually really believe this statement however only in the case of complete ignorance from your own ignorance, i.e. you can't know that you're missing out. I say that because being someone who thinks a lot I often come to places where I'm stuck. Problems I want to solve, questions I want to answer but no matter how hard I try I get nowhere.

Ever since I was a kid I can remember wanting to be a superhero and save the world. I wanted to fix all the world's problems with my super powers. Although as I got older I realized that there are no superheroes, only normal people. The saddening part is that all the super problems are still there, there just isn't anyone with superhuman abilities to solve the world's crises. The thing is the issues still need to be solved and a lot of times I want to take the weight of the world on my own shoulders and move to save it.

I had a bit of a breakdown the other night. I was up watching TV and a Feed the Children commercial came on. We all know what they look like. I saw the commercial and for some reason it was like I was seeing it for the first time. I sat there watching and listening and thinking to myself somebody's got to do something about all of this. By do something I mean more than send a dollar a day and by somebody I mean me. I sat there and thought well what should I do? What could I do? What would help the most? Where do I start? The more I thought the more I realized what am I doing? Nothing I do will ever make a difference to a system that's been in place for centuries. I hit the wall and my will is broken. I want to help, I sincerely do but I don't know what to do.

This happens to me maybe 3 or 4 times a month. I see something that inspires me. Something that tears at my heart and I jolt into action. However I soon come to the realization that my dream of saving the world is much more fictional than Superman's laser vision. In all honesty this is the kind of stuff that gets to me. You won't find me getting upset about very many things, but when I hit these walls I get pretty low down depressed. Not that serious depression but like I get to where I'm thinking you know what's the point of trying to fix things, if they'll never be right. So awhile ago I started reading biographies. Mainly biographies of great black men in history. Surely they faced insurmountable odds to change the world, so I'm sure there is much to learn in their struggle. Reading about the likes of Malcolm X and Martin Luther King I see how they often found themselves in situations eerily similar to where I am now. The world isn't meant to be changed,it is like it is and it wants to remain that way. So when change comes along it inevitably meets heavy resistance, but what made all these men great was the fact that they felt the resistance and yet pushed through to the other side.

My resistance is unique though. You see my resistance nine times out of ten is in my own head. I defeat myself. I just don't see myself as some leader to fix the planet. I am merely a thinker that happens to have a mind to act. I am not one to stand and motivate the people or organize a movement across the world, I am just someone who wants to see things be better than they are now. I want to change the mentality of the youth today. I want them to want to succeed in the world today I want them to believe in themselves and not rely on the outside reinforcement which may or may not ever come. I want to save all the animals that are abused and neglected. I want to fix global warming. I want to destroy racism. I want to end world hunger and start world peace. I want to save the music. I want to increase the number of culturally responsible black engineers. I want to cure pediatric cancer. I want to motivate young fathers to stick around, and encourage young mothers to keep the child. I want inner city youth to know that being smart is cool. I want to make it so that no matter who you are when you are sick you are treated.

I want a lot of things. Like I said I want to save the world. Like I said before, there are no supermen or superwomen, just normal men and women with a mind to move. I think I might be one of them but who's to say? I don't know and that's the most frustrating part of it all. I could be psyching myself up for a life full of failed attempts, or I could actually make a difference in the world. There's really no way to know ahead of time. Even if I decide to try, where do I start? I think I know.

On my knees at the altar.


Ok I don't know why I am awake right now. I probably should be sleeping but I can't so I want to write something about a thought that came to mind the other day.

For as long as I can remember I have been an outcast. I was always too nerdy, dorky, ugly whatever take your pick. I kind of grew up an outcast even from my family. I mean not to say that they didn't love me, but they couldn't really relate to me because I was nothing like them. So I grew up with this stigma that something was wrong with me. I wasn't terribly self-conscious but I definitely had an overwhelming feeling that I was weird. Funny thing is I still feel like that a lot even now that I'm older, but the difference is I look at it in a completely different light.

You see when I was younger being weird meant I was excluded and not cool enough to be a part of certain cliques, but see now being weird means I exclude myself from most of those same cliques. I really don't know how to explain this whole thing because in elementary and middle school I wanted nothing more than to be "cool" but I never was. Now however I am damn cool and I haven't changed at all. It's strange because the same reasons why I was teased and picked on in middle school are the same reasons why people love me now. I'm my own person and I guess years of exclusion taught me how to genuinely not give half a damn. Now people compliment me on being individual and all that and I smile modestly, because while I appreciate the comment I still don't much care whether they approve or not, which is the whole point. Now I embrace my weirdness when at one point I would have done anything to be rid of it. My weirdness is who I am and I wouldn't change it if I could.

I feel like this blog is lacking a legitimate purpose. I guess what I am trying to say is be you. As cliched as it may sound really really be true to yourself. It's the best thing you'll ever do. You'll never fear rejection and you'll never have to lie because you're doing your own thing. Plus it makes you cooler then all the fake people.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Weird Dream

Ok you may be wondering why I am up blogging at 7 am on a Sunday morning. Well the answer to that question is a simple one. I just woke up from a crazy ridiculous dream and I'm going to tell you all about it because atleast to me it made no kind of sense.

Ok I really don't even know how to describe this to anyone it was so bizarre. I'll try. So basically it begins like an episode of Home Improvement. Basically it was like my family was living inside of that show. Our whole life was life in Home Improvement. Anyway, so there's my immediate family and we are playing some type of game kind of like football but instead of a ball we were using like one of those jiggly jello souvenirs you get from gift shops. The ones that kind of shoot out of your hands. So anyway we played against another family that I knew from that one year I did a bowling league like 4 years ago.We lost to them but for some reason like it infuriated me. Like I feel as though the dream took place without giving me any background, because I was so pissed so I feel like we had had a history together and that wasn't our first time losing to that family. Anyway so after we lost my family went to Chuck E. Cheese's for lunch/dinner? We were sitting in the booth and balloons kept coming over to the table, and whenever I hit one out of the way it always hi someone either at another table or on the floor or whatever and they would come back and complain to my dad. So then my dad starts getting pissed at me for causing so much displeasure at Chuck E. Cheese's. So after already losing the game earlier, I guess this was the last straw for me.

Here's where it got weird.

So I was fed up and so I flip over the table at Chucky E. Cheese's and storm out of the place, except when I storm out I'm in the middle of Cheraw, South Carolina where my southern folks are from. I run away but for some reason I end up on my great-aunt's porch. So I'm trying to throw a television tantrum like kids do on TV when they get all mad and storm away then the parent comes and talks to them about how hard it is to be a kid and stuff. Have a tender moment and all.


So I think I must have done something to the lawnmower like thrown it in the midst of my tantrum so my dad comes outside with the handle from the mower like threatening to beat me and I start running and crying. The Home Improvement went to a commercial. Guess that was a cliff hanger episode.

So I realize this post is completely random and unorganized. There are several reasons I will give which may or may not be enough to save me from your judgment. One, it's 7:16...AM and I am awake, never a good thing. Two, I was rushing to type as quickly as possible s I wouldn't forget details. Three, I felt like making a sloppy blog and all of the misspellings and discontinuities are completely intentional. Or my favorite excuse, shutup and stop reading if you don't like it. BAM!