Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Every once and a while when you get time to really sit down and chill, you start to realize things. Start to notice stuff that you kind of knew already but that you may not have actually appreciated.

For example women. Thanks be to God for creating such a beautiful creature. Beautiful here is used to mean perfect in every way. When you find a good girl you really have to stop and marvel at not only how amazing she is, but also how lucky and blessed you are to have her.

Women can make you love yourself, hate yourself, laugh, cry, smile, and everything in between. There isn't another thing on this Earth living or not that has that type of power over a man. Not money, not power, not respect, all these things men try to pass off as true loves. No and I can personally vouch when you've found someone special, your life will never be better than it is when your with them.

My life right at this moment is pretty damn difficult because I'm on break and for some reason I feel like I'm away from home. I'm in the house I grew up in, but I'm not home. I can't explain it but in two weeks when I head back to 16802 things will be a lot better. For one I'll have my baby who, no matter how gay it sounds, rocks my world. She makes everything alright with a flash of her smile. Point blank period. Say what you want but that's the gospel truth. I really feel like I should be able to do her more justice but I really just do not know how to properly convey everything she means to me so I'm not even going to go into how shes all I ever think about, or how the quality of my day is directly correlated to the quality of her day, or how she gives me butterflies when I see her. I'm not going to waste online megabytes trying to describe an angel in worldly words.

However what I will do is issue a warning to my dudes out there. Cherish her at all times, because she always deserves it. Don't ever raise your hand to her because she never deserves that. Finally, please please please don't forget to stop and smell the roses. Flying by at the speed of life a sea of roses can look like a red smudge but its when you pull over even for just a second that you realize what you've been flying by. So try it because once you stop you may find that a rose will catch your eye and then you can understand why a man like my life with two big ones can get online and tell you how much he loves his lady.

Love you babe. Don't care who knows it.


Saturday, December 26, 2009


Ok I'm pissed and I feel like I probably shouldn't write while I'm mad because my anger tends to come in really intense waves and my writing tends to be spotty when I'm mad but oh well as I've said before this is my space.

So I got a Wii for Christmas, woooo! I'd been wanting it for awhile so I bought one. My parents helped me out with it but for the most part it was my purchase. So anyway everyone had been asking me what to get my brother because nobody knew what he wanted. He's at that age where I feel like Christmas isn't as exciting for him anymore. So that in and of itself is pretty sad but it happens to all of us. So usually my brother and I don't buy gifts for each other, we usually just lay around with each others stuff and let that be it. So I bought Guitar Hero and thought hey let me get another guitar so my brother can play with me while I'm home. Seemed like a pretty good gift to me especially when we don't do gifts.

So this morning and when I say morning I mean as soon as I woke up. Literally I was woken up by my mom blasting me at the foot of my bed. "I am so annoyed with you. What do you think, we're stupid?" Huh? I'm just sitting there confused. "So you get him a gift he can use for three weeks and then you go back to school?" First of all I hate when people complain on behalf of other people. That's just retarded. I'm really trying to watch my mouth because what I want to say is a lot less Christian then what I'm typing. Then she starts going into how I've forgotten about my family and I don't care anything about my brother. She always does this, always. Literally all the time. I took my brother to the movies on Christmas Eve because I wanted to hang out with him. All she kept saying was look out for your brother, "if something happens to my son."

What kinda.... pause...relax...deep breath.

That's crazy. She talks about my brother as if he is not at all related to me. Like I'm looking out for the neighbors kid. How about I look out for my brother because I don't want anything to happen. Maybe I care just a little bit about my own brother. They must think I'm some kind of animal. It infuriates me. Constantly saying you don't care about your brother, you don't do this, la-dee-dah-dee-dee. I go out of my way to do stuff for my family and my brother and you're going to come in here and blast me because you think I'm being an indian giver?! You better go somewhere with that crap.

I'm really very god with criticism. Both positive and negative, but what really gets to me is when someone criticizes me on something that I go out of my way to do well. I know you're my mom and I love you but this is ridiculous and you know it. Whatever, nothing else to say I guess. Except that I was already going to buy a second gift before your tirade this morning. Now I'm sure you'll undoubtedly take credit for changing me and all that nonsense. Screw it. Merry Christmas.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Warms My Heart

Ok this is a really quick blog right here. Matter of fact I'm not even going to call it a blog. Just really a public applause to something I saw last night on the el.

So I'm riding the el with my brother going to go see a movie. So anyway we get to 56th street and this young mother gets on the train with her kids. This girl wasn't much older than I am I'd say less than 24. She's got a little boy and an even smaller girl with her. So anyway we keep riding and the kids are looking out of the back window. He's obviously fascinated by the tracks and the workings of the train. He keeps asking questions, "Mom, why does it do that," "Mom, why is it like that?" In my past experiences with young mothers most all of them especially in Philly are short-tempered and tend to pop off when their children are too curious. However, this mother did something entirely different. She picked up the boy and said hey "I don't know all the answers, but if you keep working in school you could build all the trains and all the tracks in the world." The boy's eyes lit up.

"Really mom?"
"You sure could."

Honestly I think I was more touched by what she said than the kid was. Like I said I've seen so many dreams crushed by parents with short tempers and limited perspectives, so seeing and hearing this exchange between a mother and her son, it really warmed my heart.

I was so touched by what happened that I wanted to say something to the family but I couldn't think of anything I could possibly contribute to the conversation. What she had done was enough. She inspired her little boy that night, and I can promise you that he wasn't the only one inspired by what she said. He may be a future NSBEer in the making!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Wow ok so I had a life altering moment a few days ago. I'm not going to go into detail because it is not the detail of what happened that matters but the fact that it opened my eyes to what it means to "understand". I am an admittedly stubborn person I tend to have pretty strong beliefs that are in most cases immovable. This is both a gift and a curse because while often times my values keep me out of trouble, other times they keep me from truly viewing the world and its inhabitants as they really are.

So now back to this concept of understanding. What does it really mean to understand? So many times I say "I get it", "I understand", "I feel you", but do I really get it? I don't think so. Especially when it comes to passing judgement. Honestly I am not the type of person that judges people at all I am more the type to see something and say I'll never do that. I don't judge the person for doing it, but I will say that it is something that I myself will never do. Do you see the difference?

The thing is before you can say you will never do something, you have to understand the situation and understand why that person made the decision that they made. A hungry man's mentality is different from a full man's mentality. You might think that something is completely repulsive and against whatever you stand for, but, if your in a situation that calls for action your thought process will change, I guarantee it. Not to say this is a bad thing because it isn't but it can be a wake up call when you find yourself doing something you never thought you would. That's when growth happens. I feel that is when we really are maturing and learning. When our comfort zone is compromised and we are forced to take action based on the situation we are in.

So think on that. Seek first to understand, and then be understood. Understand why people do what they do before you attack them for what they did. Actually in all honesty I don't even know if it is possible to understand without the experience. Which essentially means that we should never judge. Since we cannot ever truly understand each other we should never be questioning other peoples ideals or actions. Right?

So at least that's how I feel about it. So the next time you see a homeless person don't question their drive or work ethic. They may be college educated and simply made one bad decision based on a difficult situation they were in. So be careful when you go around labeling people based on their choices in life. Because until you've been where they've been you wont understand why they made the decision they did.

Powerful thought. At least to me. And really that's the only opinion that matters, because as I said before this is MY space.

Monday, December 21, 2009

What Am I?

Wow, it's amazing the types of things I think about when I actually have the time to sit and think about nothing. When you're a college student, especially one that is taking real classes in a real major, you always have things on your mind. Things I should be doing, things I could be reading, papers I could be starting, whatever. But when I get to the end of the semester and I take that last final, no matter how bad I fail, there is something special about that time. I have a period of weightlessness. It's a feeling that at first is very uncomfortable. I feel strange, why am I just sitting here, I must be missing something. Check my email, check my phone, calendar, notebook...nothing. Just time. I feel almost worthless. If I'm not working what am I doing? It may sound weird but the very thing I hate about college is the thing which gives me purpose, without it I am nothing. Eventually I get myself to understand that there actually is nothing to do academically. I technically have no classes, therefore nothing to study, read, or write. Great feeling. So what do I do? Meditate.

I just stop and block the world and listen to what's happening in my own head. Listen to music. One of my favorite things to do. Listen to music as in actually concentrate on the music. Not just have it playing as a soundtrack to my walk to class. Listen, hear the music, feel it, cherish it. It's amazing how much better it sounds when you give it your undivided attention. Anyway I'm getting off topic.

So sitting and thinking a thought comes to mind. A thought that I didn't know I had. I started reading a book a few days ago based on the black mentality and stuff like that. I haven't even gotten past the preface yet, but already I'm blown away by some of the things the author mentions. I can hardly do it justice but I will give it an earnest try. He begins with identity, speaking of both self-identification and perceived identity. He references the old riddle about the father and son in a car accident in which the father dies. When the son goes to the hospital the surgeon says I cannot operate, because he is my son. Most people wrestle with trying to figure out how the father can be simultaneously dead and in the operating room. They miss the obvious answer that the surgeon is his mom, and thus a woman. When you reveal the answer people always kick themselves for not thinking "outside the box" but honestly it takes careful thinking to actually vision a woman surgeon, not for any prejudice but just because your, or at least my, brain doesn't work that way.

Now another example. An alien comes to America and wants to know what it means to be an American. So he picks any citizen at random. What if that random citizen was black? The country would hiccup for just a second because for some reason black is not fundamentally American. You see it is strange because black people are the only people who do not have an identity. I mean that to say how do we identify culturally. Really think about it and when I say black people I mean black people, who as far as they can remember have lived in America. It really is a crazy concept. With white people there are the millions of different identities that they can choose be it Italian, German, Russian or whatever. But they can always just be American. The situation for Hispanics is different because they like black people are not thought of when you think American, however Hispanics all have their different identities, Puerto Rican, Colombian, Argentinian. Now black people. What do we have? If we are not American then what are we?

This is the point the brother makes in his preface. Black people have lived in America for hundreds of years. Longer than a lot of other groups, but we(or at least I) still don't feel like American is my primary identity. America is not black and since I'm black I am not America. I do live here and I do love my country but I am not America's native son. I thought this was incredibly deep thinking. I had never ever ever before thought of this. Who am I? Really? I mean I have a very strong sense of self. But like where do I align myself when lines are drawn?

I don't know. And maybe I never will, but at least I'm thinking.

Monday, December 14, 2009


Alright so I don't know when I made the last post but a butt load of stuff has gone down since. I don't really know how to write all this down, and I'm sure this post will lack significant structure because I've just got a lot going on.

So since last time we spoke a lot has changed. My girlfriend of more than a year and I broke up. Why you ask? Well the best way I can explain it is that we just were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. At least that's how i felt. Like when I thought of her I didn't really think of my "girlfriend" as much as I thought about a friend. Personally I felt I was lyiing to her everythime I said I love you. Not because I didn't love her but because I knew I didn't love her the same way she loved me. So I did what I felt had to be done and I ended it. Anyone who knows me knows that I never ever want a break a girl's heart and I tried my best to be as gentle as possible. Feelings are always hurt though when something like this happens right? I don't know I still feel bad for making her so upset but I have come to the realization that I handled it the best way it could possibly be handled.

So after that all goes down I am a single man and I am not trying to be in a serious relationship, but then someone new just takes over my life. Honestly I mean that in the most sincere, loving way possible. Also I think I should rephrase what I said. She wasn't exactly new at all. In fact, she had always been there. Since I'd been in college she was always here, but she was never ever a prospect. She was my sister. My closest friend and confidante. We were as close as two people could be but it was never "like that". Well all I can say is that now it is. I broke up with my ex and she was right there for me like she always had been. Then I realized shouldn't my significant other be the person that is always there, and knows everything about me? It just happened. Honestly it wasn't even as awkward as you'd think. It was more awkward for everyone around us. Whatever, I don't care about the world. They can all suck it.

So I mean that's where I am right now. Funny because I spent the whole last post talking about emotions and then all this happens. Crazy right? Hence the title.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Isn't It Strange?

Ok so for the first 16 or 17 years of my life I was about as stone faced as anyone could ever be. I don't really know why, but if I had to guess I'd blame it on my elementary school years when I got teased and all that. Not being accepted kind of made me want to rebel against acceptance. I wasn't a weirdo, at least I didn't think so. But I mean I never wanted to do the things other people wanted to do. I never dressed the way other people did. So I mean I kind of developed a thick skin. I never got that close to anyone. I mean why should I? Who the hell cares? After all you're just a classmate that may or may not even be in my life next year. Whatever so I really didn't have a whole lot of emotions, not just towards people, but in general. I never remember feeling anything else but a sense of contentment. Not really happy but not upset or any of that either. Just content. Ya know? I went through elementary and middle school like this, I wasn't emo or anything like that. I feel like that's how it's coming across. Matter of fact I was happy. I mean I feel like happy isn't that far from content right? I was always the joker, laughing and smiling. That's just the way I was. Like I said it wasn't a conscious decision to block my emotions, it just happened.

I never noticed it until my Poppop died. I remember I came home from school and my dad comes into my room and tells me. he waited to comfort me but I just kind of stood there. I didn't know what to do. I knew I should've been upset but I wasn't. I was as confused as I'd ever been in my life. When someone dies, espescially someone as close to me as my poppop was, you cry. I just didn't feel any of that. That whole week I was just kind of around not knowing what to do. I felt like I had to act the part because everyone around me was so upset and I loved my poppop more than anyone ever could but I just wasn't sad. I felt horrible just sitting there pretending to be somber I wanted so bad to actually feel what everyone else was feeling.

So it just stayed that way, when things in my life went well, I was happy, when they didn't go well, nobody could tell the difference. But then people started to call me on it and I realized maybe it wasn't such a good trait to have. I never really had any serious relationships either romantic or friendly and as one friend put it "you don't actually have enough of a heart to have a friend." I couldn't really argue because it was so true. I just didn't care. I was always the friend you could talk to and vent to and i would always be there with a logical explanation because I wasn't jaded by emotion. However whenever I got to close to someone they would start to notice that I was more a counselor and less a friend. I don't know why, I liked my "friends" but like I mean I never was close to them. So I was a loner. Actually I still am a loner but a lot of things changed for me after I graduated high school.

I met a girl that changed me. As I said I had never ever had anything i would call a romantic relationship before in my life, but I met a girl that I was ready to care about. For some reason I was willing to actually have emotions for this person. I was willing to care. I don't know why, but I wanted to, and so I did and we've been together since. I really don't know what else to say about her. Like I mean our relationship is a difficult one for a lot of reasons but I can't overlook this initial feeling I had that made me want to change my whole outlook on "girlfriends".

When I got to college I went right back into my shell. I am a loner, no one talk to me, I don't need you I can do this by myself, whatever. Then somehow through a group project I met another girl. In all honestly I don't even know if we were friends at all, more like teammates. We had to work together so we did. To be completely serious I am going to fast forward about 6 months because I really can't explain what happened in those few months. What I do know is this girl now is undoubtedly the closest friend I have ever had. I struggle to even call her a friend because to me she is so much more. This girl is my sister and I mean that in the most serious way possible. I really cannot describe what this girl mean to me. She and I have such a real understanding of each other and I know that we have something that is rarely found in the world anymore, and that is true friendship.

I said ALL of that to say this. Isn't it strange how little things can change you? Two years ago I never would have cared enough about anything to have serious friends, let alone a girlfriend. Sometimes I laugh because now I am more emo than ever. Not in the bad way, just in the sense that I know what it's like to love, and to miss people, and to be loved. It's odd because people always loved me ya know parents, family, etc. but I never felt I wanted, needed, or deserved any of it. I still don't I need or deserve it but I can certainly say that I definitely do want it. It feels good.

That's all I've got. I know its wordy, I know it's probably stupid, but hey I don't care. This is my space.