Friday, January 8, 2010

Is It OK?

Ok so I've got a question for everyone. Is it ok to be emotional?

Now I'm writing this primarily for my own good. So I mean I don't even know if I really want an answer from anybody, whatever.

Ok so basically I'm asking this because as most of you know I've got a beautiful girl that I'm with and she completely rocks my world. I mean when I'm with her everything is as it should be Everything is ok, nothing is wrong as long as I've got her with me. Sounds all corny and mushy right? See that's my thing is that wrong? She says no and my friends say that's how I should feel, but I don't know sometimes. I mean so many times you hear how guys never give their "all" and they are cold and emotionless, or at least those are the criticisms I've heard thrown my way. Like I don't know this girl has the amazing ability to make me feel. I've never ever ever been an emotional person until I really got to know her. By know means am I a bleeding heart guy now but coming from what I came from this is creepy. I find myself thinking about her all the time and wanting to call her just to tell her she's beautiful.

Then I stop and I'm like what am I doing? This is some real fruit cake type stuff going right? I'm conflicted. The more and more I think about it the more I convince myself that, hell this is how I feel, so be it.

I think I'm cool with that.


Ok so I had another crazy wild dream last night. The thing about my dreams is that I hardly ever remember the beginning or the end. So my dreams just start and then they just are over but there is no introduction or conclusion.

So it begin as I'm riding with my mom in the car to somewhere. We're in a city I've never seen before or whatever and we were talking about how people can question your religion. Like basically how the older you get and the more you learn, you will have discussions with people that will denounce your belief. I was telling her how, being republican, I've already had a number of these arguments with peers about things like that. Anyway so she parks in some strange garage and we both get out. We're walking off somewhere and I pick up a rock and chuck it a wall in front of me. I don't really knew why I threw the rock but i wanted it to break apart on impact, I used to love doing that as a kid. Anyway so my mom goes "why did you do that?!" I just shrug my shoulders.

So we walk through the parking garage and into a closed in court. Not court like with a judge, but court like a really big open garden. So we didn't know how to get out and there was just one door, I guess we couldn't go out through the garage anymore. So I go up and knock on the door. Few seconds, then a short and very old nun answers the door. She welcomes me in and then asks if my wife (you mean my mom???) is coming with me, as my mom was still standing at the bottom of the steps. I say yes and my mom comes in. She begins to escort us further into the church and then we turn a corner and I see the service going on. We did not come for service, we were only trying to get through the church to the street outside. So I turn and aim to walk out the door and when I get to the steps to leave I see people running and jumping to either get to or run away from these little communion stations. So I pay it no mind and just walk out the door but even though I have walked out of the doors I am still not on the street. I seem to be still on the church grounds because there are high walls around and other buildings with similar architecture. So as I'm walking down the stairs a voice calls me. "YOU! Did you take communion?!" I'm like whatever she's not talking to me I don't go to this church, I'm not even catholic.So then at this moment she like swoops and when I say swoop I mean she used her nun cloak and essentially flew from where she was standing atop the stairs to where I was walking about 100 feet away. She lands right in front of me and again asks if i took communion and I said no and explained my case. She grabs my arm and says there are no excuses and I guess teleports me back to one of those communion stations. Except this time the few people that were running and jumping has evolved into complete chaos. We're now talking about like thousands of people running out of this church into the court and all around the grounds trying to get away.

So I turn on my heels and book it out into the fray. After all I didn't even want to be here I was just trying to get through the church. So I mean I run out of the church building and I'm running trying to get out. Then for some reason I'm looking for my girlfriend who I can't find. Weird because I was never with my girlfriend this whole time so I don't know why I started looking for her. So at this point the dream just gets completely weird.

So a little sidebar here. I don't know how many of you watch True Life on MTV and have seen the episode about the girl that has Tourette's Syndrome. She was kind of bitchy and evil a little bit. Anyway so now she's like the person rounding up everyone. So as soon as I catch sight of my girlfriend, this girl land two inches from my face like "what you looking for? The communion stations are back this way!" So I lose sight of my girlfriend when I teleport for the second time today. I again run out of the doors and get to what I though was an exit from the church grounds except that it leads me back into the church!!! WTH! So I again run through the church and take another path but I keep ending up back where I started! I do this about 10 times. Running around the grounds and taking a different way each time, but each time ending up where I began. On one of my passes I walk right by my girlfriend who is walking calmly in the opposite direction. She is holding a microphone and whispers into it "Answer your phone." I don't even know where my phone was in all of this. So I keep running and I try yet another path to escape and I run into 3 other kids my age taking my same escape route. We decide to band together. They didn't have names but we stuck together to get away. We never really spoke or anything they were just there. Then we made on turn into a dark alley, and suddenly we had on a ball and shackles. WTH!!! Crazyness!! For some reason though I was extra husky because I just picked up the ball and carried it, it didn't slow me down at all. So we are in this alley and I find a trap door hidden in a wall. I get excited because I'm sure I have found a way out. I open the door and there's a curtain in front of it. Except it's not really a curtain but like a projector screen. So I tug it and it goes flying up and behind it is the girl. AHHHHHHHH!!!!

Dream Over.

I'm sorry that dream was crazy to me. First off all just the fact that it doesn't make any sense. Like the fact that my mom just disappears. First she was with me then she wasn't and then suddenly my girlfriend shows up. Weird except I feel like my mom might have gone into the service. She's that type, I love her. Then there's the fact that that this catholic church pretty much turned into a concentration camp half way through. And then why was that girl from True Life in there? And why did she only want me? Crazyness.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Family. They can build you up or tear you down if you let them. So for some reason I'm awake at 4AM so I figure I might as well do something constructive. Ok so it's holiday time which means seeing all the family which is always a good time...for the most part. Before I really get into this I need to explain my family dynamic, how it works, or else nothing will make sense.

Ok, so my mom and dad have been married for a long time. So long I'm not exactly sure. I'll be twenty in a few months so probably like 22 or 23 years. They have two kids my younger brother and myself. Ok so my parents are as close to polar opposites as is possible. They love each other dearly but I mean it when I say that they truly are POLAR opposites. My mother is writing her dissertation and my father has a high school diploma. My father used to run the streets of West Philly, my mom was very sheltered. Both grew up in Christian households but took very different paths. That being said each respective side of my family accurately reflects its representative in my immediate family.

For example, my mother's side of the family is the side that tends to stress education. Particularly my mother's father's side. On this side of my family forward thinking seems to be the way. Quite a few college grads on this end, not to say that college is how I measure worth but I am just using it as a quantitative tool to help compare. My aunts, uncles, and cousins on this end seem to be more straight shooters. They do things the "right" way. Just a rule of thumb, not true in every circumstance, just saying.

Now my father's side. On this side no college grads as far as the eye can see. This end of my family is still very successful but not necessarily the way you may want. They all have the means to support themselves but I feel sometimes there is animosity from this side of my family towards my brother, mother and I.

So with that being said I have a bit of a rant I am about to go on. As I said before my mother's side of the family is very supportive of me. They always ask about school and generally encourage me to do my best and stay on the straight and narrow. However my dad's side, well at times they straight up piss me off. Again I feel I must say it they love me and I love them but their mindset is so grossly different from mine that they often times grind my last nerve.

As you may or may not have already figured out, I'm a goody-two-shoes. Always have been. I've pretty much always tried to do things right based on the law, my religion, and my own morals. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I'm not out "fuckin bitches", etc. So usually when I'm around my father's side of the family they like to play games with me. I don't really know what it is but I feel like they are slightly intimidated by me. This of course is just a hunch. So now the story. I'm sitting in my own house watching TV when my uncle decides to pay us a holiday visit. Awesome, I haven't seen my cousins in a while. My uncle is my Dad's oldest brother and he has two kid's about 24 and 21 respectively. This particular is the type of person that is always bragging about one thing or another. It never really bothered me until I got old enough to catch some of his underhanded comments. So obviously his kids being older, they graduated years before I did. So he bragged about them in college and all that stuff until they were no longer in college. Neither of them graduated but that's not a big deal it's not for everyone. But now that I'm in college every time I'm around them I feel as though they are itching for me to end up back at home. I can feel it in their questions and the way they talk to me as if I'm some snooty adopted child. Another thing that really gets to me is the way they always are trying to get me to come to their side. Both of my cousins drink, even before they were 21, which again whatever I don't care it's not a big deal but it's like they feel guilty about it and they want nothing more than to hear that I go out and get drunk as if it validates them in some way. In a completely unrelated conversation my little brother said something about a crown and my uncle comes up to me and goes "Yea you know all about that crown...Crown Royal in the purple sleeve." And because he can't pass up an opportunity he goes into how State College was in his zone when he was a state trooper and he was on the liquor control dee dah dee dee. He wants me so bad to nod and say "oh yea that's my shit!" But naw son, I don't drink. Never have I couldn't even tell you what it tastes like. It really irks my soul, because see I don't judge any of them for anything that they do. I simply don't care. But I get judged because I abstain from stuff. That's ass backwards. I don't want to come off as some hoity toity angel but to me it seems ridiculous. We're all Christian and we all want the best for each other right? Isn't that what family is? Right? So then why do I catch dirty looks and snickers when I tell you I DON'T drink and why am I in the wrong because I'm staying in college?

One more time I love my family, and I don't ever judge or brag about anything any of us do. I just want to know why I get all the shotty comments and shifty eyes and I'm the one that's trying to live the way they all want to. All I want is "yo dass wassup keep doing that college thing." That's it, I'm not saying sit down and talk derivatives and integrals, just let me know that you actually want me to succeed. Rant over.

Save the World

Ignorance is bliss. I think I actually really believe this statement however only in the case of complete ignorance from your own ignorance, i.e. you can't know that you're missing out. I say that because being someone who thinks a lot I often come to places where I'm stuck. Problems I want to solve, questions I want to answer but no matter how hard I try I get nowhere.

Ever since I was a kid I can remember wanting to be a superhero and save the world. I wanted to fix all the world's problems with my super powers. Although as I got older I realized that there are no superheroes, only normal people. The saddening part is that all the super problems are still there, there just isn't anyone with superhuman abilities to solve the world's crises. The thing is the issues still need to be solved and a lot of times I want to take the weight of the world on my own shoulders and move to save it.

I had a bit of a breakdown the other night. I was up watching TV and a Feed the Children commercial came on. We all know what they look like. I saw the commercial and for some reason it was like I was seeing it for the first time. I sat there watching and listening and thinking to myself somebody's got to do something about all of this. By do something I mean more than send a dollar a day and by somebody I mean me. I sat there and thought well what should I do? What could I do? What would help the most? Where do I start? The more I thought the more I realized what am I doing? Nothing I do will ever make a difference to a system that's been in place for centuries. I hit the wall and my will is broken. I want to help, I sincerely do but I don't know what to do.

This happens to me maybe 3 or 4 times a month. I see something that inspires me. Something that tears at my heart and I jolt into action. However I soon come to the realization that my dream of saving the world is much more fictional than Superman's laser vision. In all honesty this is the kind of stuff that gets to me. You won't find me getting upset about very many things, but when I hit these walls I get pretty low down depressed. Not that serious depression but like I get to where I'm thinking you know what's the point of trying to fix things, if they'll never be right. So awhile ago I started reading biographies. Mainly biographies of great black men in history. Surely they faced insurmountable odds to change the world, so I'm sure there is much to learn in their struggle. Reading about the likes of Malcolm X and Martin Luther King I see how they often found themselves in situations eerily similar to where I am now. The world isn't meant to be changed,it is like it is and it wants to remain that way. So when change comes along it inevitably meets heavy resistance, but what made all these men great was the fact that they felt the resistance and yet pushed through to the other side.

My resistance is unique though. You see my resistance nine times out of ten is in my own head. I defeat myself. I just don't see myself as some leader to fix the planet. I am merely a thinker that happens to have a mind to act. I am not one to stand and motivate the people or organize a movement across the world, I am just someone who wants to see things be better than they are now. I want to change the mentality of the youth today. I want them to want to succeed in the world today I want them to believe in themselves and not rely on the outside reinforcement which may or may not ever come. I want to save all the animals that are abused and neglected. I want to fix global warming. I want to destroy racism. I want to end world hunger and start world peace. I want to save the music. I want to increase the number of culturally responsible black engineers. I want to cure pediatric cancer. I want to motivate young fathers to stick around, and encourage young mothers to keep the child. I want inner city youth to know that being smart is cool. I want to make it so that no matter who you are when you are sick you are treated.

I want a lot of things. Like I said I want to save the world. Like I said before, there are no supermen or superwomen, just normal men and women with a mind to move. I think I might be one of them but who's to say? I don't know and that's the most frustrating part of it all. I could be psyching myself up for a life full of failed attempts, or I could actually make a difference in the world. There's really no way to know ahead of time. Even if I decide to try, where do I start? I think I know.

On my knees at the altar.


Ok I don't know why I am awake right now. I probably should be sleeping but I can't so I want to write something about a thought that came to mind the other day.

For as long as I can remember I have been an outcast. I was always too nerdy, dorky, ugly whatever take your pick. I kind of grew up an outcast even from my family. I mean not to say that they didn't love me, but they couldn't really relate to me because I was nothing like them. So I grew up with this stigma that something was wrong with me. I wasn't terribly self-conscious but I definitely had an overwhelming feeling that I was weird. Funny thing is I still feel like that a lot even now that I'm older, but the difference is I look at it in a completely different light.

You see when I was younger being weird meant I was excluded and not cool enough to be a part of certain cliques, but see now being weird means I exclude myself from most of those same cliques. I really don't know how to explain this whole thing because in elementary and middle school I wanted nothing more than to be "cool" but I never was. Now however I am damn cool and I haven't changed at all. It's strange because the same reasons why I was teased and picked on in middle school are the same reasons why people love me now. I'm my own person and I guess years of exclusion taught me how to genuinely not give half a damn. Now people compliment me on being individual and all that and I smile modestly, because while I appreciate the comment I still don't much care whether they approve or not, which is the whole point. Now I embrace my weirdness when at one point I would have done anything to be rid of it. My weirdness is who I am and I wouldn't change it if I could.

I feel like this blog is lacking a legitimate purpose. I guess what I am trying to say is be you. As cliched as it may sound really really be true to yourself. It's the best thing you'll ever do. You'll never fear rejection and you'll never have to lie because you're doing your own thing. Plus it makes you cooler then all the fake people.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Weird Dream

Ok you may be wondering why I am up blogging at 7 am on a Sunday morning. Well the answer to that question is a simple one. I just woke up from a crazy ridiculous dream and I'm going to tell you all about it because atleast to me it made no kind of sense.

Ok I really don't even know how to describe this to anyone it was so bizarre. I'll try. So basically it begins like an episode of Home Improvement. Basically it was like my family was living inside of that show. Our whole life was life in Home Improvement. Anyway, so there's my immediate family and we are playing some type of game kind of like football but instead of a ball we were using like one of those jiggly jello souvenirs you get from gift shops. The ones that kind of shoot out of your hands. So anyway we played against another family that I knew from that one year I did a bowling league like 4 years ago.We lost to them but for some reason like it infuriated me. Like I feel as though the dream took place without giving me any background, because I was so pissed so I feel like we had had a history together and that wasn't our first time losing to that family. Anyway so after we lost my family went to Chuck E. Cheese's for lunch/dinner? We were sitting in the booth and balloons kept coming over to the table, and whenever I hit one out of the way it always hi someone either at another table or on the floor or whatever and they would come back and complain to my dad. So then my dad starts getting pissed at me for causing so much displeasure at Chuck E. Cheese's. So after already losing the game earlier, I guess this was the last straw for me.

Here's where it got weird.

So I was fed up and so I flip over the table at Chucky E. Cheese's and storm out of the place, except when I storm out I'm in the middle of Cheraw, South Carolina where my southern folks are from. I run away but for some reason I end up on my great-aunt's porch. So I'm trying to throw a television tantrum like kids do on TV when they get all mad and storm away then the parent comes and talks to them about how hard it is to be a kid and stuff. Have a tender moment and all.


So I think I must have done something to the lawnmower like thrown it in the midst of my tantrum so my dad comes outside with the handle from the mower like threatening to beat me and I start running and crying. The Home Improvement went to a commercial. Guess that was a cliff hanger episode.

So I realize this post is completely random and unorganized. There are several reasons I will give which may or may not be enough to save me from your judgment. One, it's 7:16...AM and I am awake, never a good thing. Two, I was rushing to type as quickly as possible s I wouldn't forget details. Three, I felt like making a sloppy blog and all of the misspellings and discontinuities are completely intentional. Or my favorite excuse, shutup and stop reading if you don't like it. BAM!