Friday, December 4, 2009

Isn't It Strange?

Ok so for the first 16 or 17 years of my life I was about as stone faced as anyone could ever be. I don't really know why, but if I had to guess I'd blame it on my elementary school years when I got teased and all that. Not being accepted kind of made me want to rebel against acceptance. I wasn't a weirdo, at least I didn't think so. But I mean I never wanted to do the things other people wanted to do. I never dressed the way other people did. So I mean I kind of developed a thick skin. I never got that close to anyone. I mean why should I? Who the hell cares? After all you're just a classmate that may or may not even be in my life next year. Whatever so I really didn't have a whole lot of emotions, not just towards people, but in general. I never remember feeling anything else but a sense of contentment. Not really happy but not upset or any of that either. Just content. Ya know? I went through elementary and middle school like this, I wasn't emo or anything like that. I feel like that's how it's coming across. Matter of fact I was happy. I mean I feel like happy isn't that far from content right? I was always the joker, laughing and smiling. That's just the way I was. Like I said it wasn't a conscious decision to block my emotions, it just happened.

I never noticed it until my Poppop died. I remember I came home from school and my dad comes into my room and tells me. he waited to comfort me but I just kind of stood there. I didn't know what to do. I knew I should've been upset but I wasn't. I was as confused as I'd ever been in my life. When someone dies, espescially someone as close to me as my poppop was, you cry. I just didn't feel any of that. That whole week I was just kind of around not knowing what to do. I felt like I had to act the part because everyone around me was so upset and I loved my poppop more than anyone ever could but I just wasn't sad. I felt horrible just sitting there pretending to be somber I wanted so bad to actually feel what everyone else was feeling.

So it just stayed that way, when things in my life went well, I was happy, when they didn't go well, nobody could tell the difference. But then people started to call me on it and I realized maybe it wasn't such a good trait to have. I never really had any serious relationships either romantic or friendly and as one friend put it "you don't actually have enough of a heart to have a friend." I couldn't really argue because it was so true. I just didn't care. I was always the friend you could talk to and vent to and i would always be there with a logical explanation because I wasn't jaded by emotion. However whenever I got to close to someone they would start to notice that I was more a counselor and less a friend. I don't know why, I liked my "friends" but like I mean I never was close to them. So I was a loner. Actually I still am a loner but a lot of things changed for me after I graduated high school.

I met a girl that changed me. As I said I had never ever had anything i would call a romantic relationship before in my life, but I met a girl that I was ready to care about. For some reason I was willing to actually have emotions for this person. I was willing to care. I don't know why, but I wanted to, and so I did and we've been together since. I really don't know what else to say about her. Like I mean our relationship is a difficult one for a lot of reasons but I can't overlook this initial feeling I had that made me want to change my whole outlook on "girlfriends".

When I got to college I went right back into my shell. I am a loner, no one talk to me, I don't need you I can do this by myself, whatever. Then somehow through a group project I met another girl. In all honestly I don't even know if we were friends at all, more like teammates. We had to work together so we did. To be completely serious I am going to fast forward about 6 months because I really can't explain what happened in those few months. What I do know is this girl now is undoubtedly the closest friend I have ever had. I struggle to even call her a friend because to me she is so much more. This girl is my sister and I mean that in the most serious way possible. I really cannot describe what this girl mean to me. She and I have such a real understanding of each other and I know that we have something that is rarely found in the world anymore, and that is true friendship.

I said ALL of that to say this. Isn't it strange how little things can change you? Two years ago I never would have cared enough about anything to have serious friends, let alone a girlfriend. Sometimes I laugh because now I am more emo than ever. Not in the bad way, just in the sense that I know what it's like to love, and to miss people, and to be loved. It's odd because people always loved me ya know parents, family, etc. but I never felt I wanted, needed, or deserved any of it. I still don't I need or deserve it but I can certainly say that I definitely do want it. It feels good.

That's all I've got. I know its wordy, I know it's probably stupid, but hey I don't care. This is my space.

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